Ambition

A question for summer

I’ve been thinking a lot about Ambition lately. More than love, the Golden Rule, being a good person, human flourishing, it seems like Ambition reigns, subconsciously, as the supreme value in our society.

This car is for sale in my neighborhood and I really want it. Someone want to buy it for me??

I look around me at the people in my town who are put on pedestals, the ones whose names we all know, who are frequently praised publicly, who seem to win at everything in life – what is it they all have in common? It’s not just that they’re good people, it’s that they are also driven. Their love has goals, a business strategy. They’re regarded because they’re good and powerful.

I also look around me at the people I interact with on a daily basis – my neighbors, the immigrants making my lunch, the student baristas – people at the margins of society – and see thousands of little acts of love and kindness given freely without any return. These people will never be known outside of their friends and family. They will never receive public awards for their acts of charity. Their lives will be a series of economic struggle after struggle. They’re disregarded by society because being good isn’t good enough.

And I look at myself. Reading books is my favorite leisure activity precisely because it feels so indulgent in our instant-gratification culture, but would I do it if it didn’t provide me another title to add to my Goodreads? Would I write another song if it wasn’t going to be added to my discography? Would I invest in a friendship if there wasn’t anything in it for me?

This way of existing in the world is indoctrinated in us from the moment we’re able to formulate thought. It’s not enough to be a good person. We must be building something with that goodness, creating momentum toward some economic goal. Our value as citizens, as human beings, seems to be correlated with the degree to which we do so. If you’re not a contributor to the system, you’re a drain on it. And there’s nothing worse than that.

But what if you are ambitious, just not successfully ambitious? We’re constantly told that hard work is enough to ensure success. The constant refrain about successful people – I’m so sick of hearing it! – “He’s the hardest working person I know.”

Well…I’m the hardest working, most ambitious person I know. Up until last year, I believed that this unswerving devotion to society’s favorite ethic would overcome my poor luck and secure me success, and it was holding true. Everything I had been building for five years was about to hit a major milestone. We’re talking major industry connections, significant business investment, bigtime record deal. And then, by sheer happenstance, the tides turned. Over the course of several months, I watched each and every one of those opportunities gradually and unceremoniously dissolve, all while several people around me experienced unprecedented success while barely making any effort.

My experience of growing up sometimes feels like a series of failures, each one deconstructing some foundational belief that had, up to that point, been left unquestioned. Each time, the fallout is painful, but the process of rebuilding has left me stronger, deeper, wiser, and more happy. Maybe there’s a place for Ambition, but right now I find myself questioning the unquestionable. What would look like to not be ambitious? To do things for their own sake? To read a book and not tell anyone about it, to write a song and then throw it away, to take a walk and not track the mileage? To, dare I say it, be lazy?